Maybe Next Time, Just Ask for Bagels

An Associated Press story making the rounds through news channels tells the unfortunate tale of Donna Thi, a 20-year old from the U.S. who ended up in Bolivian police custody Wednesday night after her arrival in La Paz. In her luggage Bolivian immigration officials found a strange companion to the gift cheese claimed on her customs form – 500 rounds of 45 caliber ammunition.

When someone arrives in the country carrying 500 rounds of ammo, Bolivian authorities get a little suspicious. When someone from the U.S. arrives in the country carrying 500 rounds of ammo, AP has got itself a story and the U.S. Embassy has a problem.

And in this case the Embassy, apparently, had quite a problem. The young woman was met at the airport by the wife of a U.S. Colonel, James Campbell, assigned to the Embassy. The ammo, it seems, was brought down for his personal use, either target practice or hunting. Bolivian wild turkeys – beware.

Now in all fairness, even true conspiracy theorists will admit that it would be hard to start an anti-Evo coup with 500 rounds, and sneaking armaments in bit by bit, along with cheese, seems a little far-fetched as well. Nevertheless, Bolivian officials seemed eager to make hay out of the bullets-in-Samsonite affair. Bolivia's National Director of Migration, Magali Zegarra, told the Bolivian press, "This is evidence that someone could be orchestrating something from the outside against our country, and that the girl was met by Mrs. Campbell, wife of Colonel Campbell who works in the U.S. Embassy, is something worrisome."

Evidently Ambassador Goldberg had an apologetic visit with Vice President Alvaro Garcia Linera yesterday, where they dined, one might guess, on red, white, and blue crow.

The young visitor from the U.S. is now free and we hope that her remaining time in Bolivia is more enjoyable. My 83-year-old mother always says it is better to get the bad luck out of the way at the start of the trip, but getting busted with ammo at the airport seems a bit extreme. Whomever asked her to bring in the ammo definitely owes her a really, really good visit in La Paz. If I did that to my daughter, also 20, I think I'd be stuck buying a lifetime pass to Cine Center or a full Pique lunch weekly for her and her boyfriend.

I did enjoy, I will admit, trying to imagine the phone call by the poor Embassy subordinate who had to break the news to the Ambassador (now this is only conjecture on my part):

Ambassador Goldberg: What is it?

Embassy Underling: Sir, it appears that a U.S. citizen has just been arrested on arrival at the La Paz airport.

Ambassador Goldberg: Shit!

Embassy Underling: Sir, it's a little worse than that. She was carrying 500 rounds of ammo in her suitcase. She told the customs people it was cheese.

Ambassador Goldberg: Double shit!

Embassy Underling: Sir, apparently she was carrying it in for Colonel Campbell.

Ambassador Goldberg: Shit! Holy (expletive deleted) shit!

Embassy Underling: Sir, I have Evo on the line. Says he'd like to chat.

Ambassador Goldberg: I should have stayed in the Balkans.

Now, I have been here for almost a decade and in that time I have brought down, and asked others to bring down, a lot of things. These include: my U.S. mail, Flaming Hot Cheetos, my wife's loom, Cheerios, dog medicine, photographs, Pete's coffee, a Little Mermaid jewelry box, magic markers, size-13 sneakers, books, iron-on patches, a Bruce Springsteen CD, and of course – bagels. I have also requested a burrito from El Toro at 17th and Valencia in San Francisco, but that did not work out. Maybe one day.

However, it has never occurred to me once to either bring into Bolivia, or ask someone else to bring into Bolivia, live ammunition. Note to U.S. Embassy: I think you will find that bringing in ammo is not generally a wise idea, not for public relations, bilateral relations, or interpersonal relations with those asked to do the bringing.

But, hey, we all screw up once in a while. I make lots of mistakes, some just to keep in practice. The important thing is to learn from our mistakes. Here's the memo I'd suggest Ambassador Goldberg circulate next week:

To: All Embassy Staff and Dependents

From: Ambassador Philip S. Goldberg

Re: Packages brought by visitors from the U.S.

Next time, just ask for bagels.